I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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