I bet he comes in French.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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