I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
