just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
