You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My balls are so social today.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
