He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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