I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
