You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
