The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
