I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
