I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
