did you get engaged???
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
