At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
