I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
