Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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