I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
