8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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