Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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