I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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