Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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