They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
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