if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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