remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
