You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
