i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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