tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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