We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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