my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
