I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Are my feet made of real feet?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
