So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
