he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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