this beer tastes like vomit already
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
