I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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