The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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