she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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