He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
