Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
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