You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
