Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
