Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
