omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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