omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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