my mouth tastes like poor choices
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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