i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
