I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
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You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
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Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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