I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
