that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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