we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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