When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
