as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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