Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
