I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
