I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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