Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
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