I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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