do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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