I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
