I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
