Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
