it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
