She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
this beer tastes like vomit already
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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