i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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